Terrible Twenties

Trials and tribulations of the modern twenty-something because no matter what adults say, your twenties are f*cking hard.
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If you have never heard of Candy Crush Saga, then you are probably a very high functioning member of society. For the upper echelon, allow me to explain that Candy Crush is a highly addictive game that is obtained by downloading the app.

It  is intended to connect with your Facebook account so that you can accumulate very unhealthy competitive rage with your not-so-close acquaintances who are too many episodes ahead of you. This social component also forces your every move to be publicly outed in the newsfeed, and encourages you to shamefully beg near strangers to give you lives or help unlock episodes.

While you are producing meaningful work and enjoying the company of real human interaction in the outside world, the dregs of modern civilization are glued to their phones trying to get the fuck past level 65. Don’t be upset that you can’t relate to our frustration with unexpected chocolate barriers, time limits, falling fruit or an endless road of sugary nonsense.

However, despite this crack-laced game’s obvious shortcomings, I have gleaned some very real benefits. This brain cell murdering recreational puzzle is actually improving my relationship.


While my dude and I have differing opinions on important life values like shopping, romantic comedies, Legos, USA vs. BRAVO, and how eggs should be prepared, we also have a lot in common. We both agree that sports are dumb, hiking is badass, and ice cream is delicious at any time of the day. And here comes Candy Crush, just one more thing we can rally behind.


Look, dude and I are very busy people who both have a horrible habit of over-extending ourselves with commitments. That said, we both really value our time together and try to see each other as much as our hectic schedules will permit. We enjoy a good meal, lively banter and even getting outdoors once in a while. But we also cherish the quiet times. You know those picturesque over-exposed photos on Tumblr that show an upper-middle class J.Crew clad couple enjoying coffee and the morning paper in the soft sunlight? That’s us, except we’re in week-old crusty pajamas laying on the couch drinking flat sparkling water from Trader Joe’s playing Candy Crush. It’s the simple things. 




I’ve got to be honest; I’ve never seen us work so well together to solve a problem. We’ve been playing on different levels during our entire tenure because I happened to pick up this past time one night while I was home alone binge watching Jeremy Piven play Mr. Selfridge on Masterpiece Theater. He was more reluctant to drink the Kool-Aid, and so I have been helping him beat levels I have already conquered, and his involvement in my strategy is integral. Our collaborative work has seen limitless rewards in the form of high scores, earning us the self-appropriated title of “power couple.”


The other night I shelled out no less than six whole dollars to get my ass out of the Minty Meadow. I needed to really bring out the big guns with extra sprinkle chocolate balls ($0.99), candy fish ($1.99) and two sets of five extra moves ($0.99) to break my way out of the last level. Then I spent another $0.99 to unlock the next episode because I couldn’t bear the embarrassment or time it would take to ask a friend on Facebook to help me out. Now my dude refuses to spend any money on this game, and nor does he even have it connected to Facebook. He’s doing this whole marathon of crazy on his own merit.

This schism has  taught me valuable lessons about how we would handle money if we eventually take this relationship to the next level (pun intended). I am more willing to throw money at a situation, whereas he is a little more patient and frugal. However, we can both agree that we won’t be taking any help from friends or family. This is the stuff marriages built on, people.


I don’t want to sugar coat it (pun intended), but Candy Crush can be frustrating, heartbreaking and all-around emotionally draining. It’s nice to know that my significant other is going through the same difficult time as me. We have truly proved ourselves as real emotional support systems for each other, making us feel more secure in our relationship than ever. They say the test of a solid relationship comes during the rough patches, and I can safely say, I feel like we’ve been through it all…and we neither us has even made it to level 70 yet.

Originally seen on The Gaggle!